The older I get the more I realize how poorly I was situated in life to try succeeding. I always knew I was behind other people…. Not for lack of smarts, charm or anything else… But simply that other people have parents that were able to teach them how to survive.
How could I have expected to thrive in life having no notion of working as anything other than a draining exercise in futility that fires you because your life is beyond hard.
Rather. I was raised watching my mother quit or get fired from jobs; because childcare fell through or because our home life was unstable… Thanks again dad.
I spent my twenties leaving jobs because of my trauma issues. How could I believe that I could ever improve a bad situation if it seemed like it was turning bad. What even was a bad situation? I gave more of my soul than I could bear and fell apart constantly.
The system is designed to make people like me go away.
But if I go away. It will be for good.
And I still have this deep sense that I have something in me that could make the world a better place. It’s the kind of thing I need to be alive for.
I still. No matter how much I try to tell myself I don’t have to… I still have this strange obligation that I could be making the world better.
I want to help.
But it’s me that needs help.