- Without talking to them about it so that they can never actually change their shitty behaviour.
- Because you’re totally a mind reader and can understand the gravity of their situation without them ever explaining it. Remember. When you can’t make exuses for them. Only then may you talk to them about it. But carry all the intolerance you’ve acquired by feeling trodden upon into the conversation so that they know it’s a big deal now. Not that they knew it was a big deal before… but living in the now is important. And now it’s a big deal.
- Clearly people only treat you badly because they have their reasons. They’re still great people because obviously you don’t matter because if their best doesn’t look very nice you can just believe differently and see other qualities that will CLEARLY justify how they’ve treated you. Remember. Don’t ever talk about trying to be our best to your friends, that might imply you don’t already think they are at their best and might hurt them.
- Busy is not in your vocabulary. If you feel bad or drained or tired you just lock that shit up in the bad feels box and disassociate until you get through the thing because YOU’RE A GOOD FRIEND.
And yet, we don’t feel like good people when we try to have boundaries. We’re trapped in this dominant idea of selflessness as goodness; this idea of love as this overwhelming feeling that we cannot fight that ‘changes us’ to enmesh us to our partners… This toxic toxic toxic self relationship that harms us and NO ONE CAN PROTECT US BUT OURSELVES.
This is something I’ve heard in a lot of different ways from most of the best people in my life and felt myself… that I don’t feel like I’m behaving lovingly when I have effective personal boundaries.
It feels the opposite of loving to me.
I think part of the puzzle is to STOP enshrining poor communication, boundaries and self care.