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This reads like the horror story of my life.
There was a time I’d have identified so hard with this I’d have broke my computer screen. Perhaps my heart grew cold in it’s own way, but I see the enshrinement of poor self care here as a big ol’ problem. Allow me to elucidate:
 
This meme reads to me like a recipe for “How to feel bad and lose friends”. 
Accept apologies they never gave.
  • Without talking to them about it so that they can never actually change their shitty behaviour. 
Make excuses they never gave an explanation to justify.
  • Because you’re totally a mind reader and can understand the gravity of their situation without them ever explaining it. Remember. When you can’t make exuses for them. Only then may you talk to them about it. But carry all the intolerance you’ve acquired by feeling trodden upon into the conversation so that they know it’s a big deal now. Not that they knew it was a big deal before… but living in the now is important. And now it’s a big deal.
See the best in someone who may not be showing you their best.
  • Clearly people only treat you badly because they have their reasons. They’re still great people because obviously you don’t matter because if their best doesn’t look very nice you can just believe differently and see other qualities that will CLEARLY justify how they’ve treated you. Remember. Don’t ever talk about trying to be our best to your friends, that might imply you don’t already think they are at their best and might hurt them.
Make time for others because you put off your own personal needs for the wants of others.
  • Busy is not in your vocabulary. If you feel bad or drained or tired you just lock that shit up in the bad feels box and disassociate until you get through the thing because YOU’RE A GOOD FRIEND.
And yet we wonder why we burn out when we live like this. We would NEVER expect our best friend to do this. We’d make excuses as to why they couldn’t do what we expect of ourselves. It’s terrible and horrifically bad to live this way. 
 
We wonder why we shift from one person to the next hoping to get the same things given back that we put into a relationship without ever explaining why or stating that getting as much as we give is a need that (unmet) will destroy us. We have good opinions of people until their actions can’t be reconciled anymore with our view of why a person is doing what they are doing to us… and it tends to be a pattern for people. It was for me. 
 
We stand in the rain, hold our flame outside our bodies and wonder why it goes out when we never took the time to refuel because we were so busy notifying other people their flame was about to go out and getting them to go refuel. We actively drop our flame and go refuel other people’s flames and feel broken when no one eventually does it for us. 
 
And yet, we don’t feel like good people when we try to have boundaries. We’re trapped in this dominant idea of selflessness as goodness; this idea of love as this overwhelming feeling that we cannot fight that ‘changes us’ to enmesh us to our partners… This toxic toxic toxic self relationship that harms us and NO ONE CAN PROTECT US BUT OURSELVES.

This is something I’ve heard in a lot of different ways from most of the best people in my life and felt myself… that I don’t feel like I’m behaving lovingly when I have effective personal boundaries.

It feels the opposite of loving to me. 

How do we combat this?

I think part of the puzzle is to STOP enshrining poor communication, boundaries and self care.

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