I lost my job. They let me go.

About a week ago I forgot to lock the door behind me when I came in to open. It’s a more serious mistake than it seems really because we have tens of thousands of dollars worth of stuff with us. What I didn’t know is that over the weekend there had been a security issue during the middle of the night that was unexplained and had the security guy coming in. So they took away my key (without telling me about the security thing at all, I pieced this all together after a coworker mentioned it) and I think they decided I was probably not a good fit then. But they knew I’d be upset and also I know that they liked me a lot. So they told themselves they’d give me one more chance and I had better shape up. Effectively they told me that too but I didn’t understand the real gravity of the level of fuck up. So over the next week I had RAMPANT AND UNCHECKED anxiety… I had noticed that they were treating me differently and consequently my anxiety was over 9000 and I kept making the little mistakes that culminated by them taking me into the back room and telling me they were letting me go because I wasn’t getting the job fast enough and I was asking too many questions too often.

A short list of anxiety related things that I have experienced in light of the most stressful ever attempt to be perfect for a not so wonderful job (that should have been wonderful). Literally. I have never stuck with something so hard while it was causing me so much pain.

Stuttt. Stuttr. St. Stuh. Sterre. Stutterring. STUTTERING. Considerably worse while stressed.
Transposing numbers – This was not a cash related thing, just an infuriating thing that I experienced while trying to print tags for things.
Critical failures in problem solving – Being unable to use the same old thing I’d been told for other things when random new things came up. Apparently there’s only ever one answer.
Excessive reassurance required – Asking questions.
Dehydration – I was not comfortable enough to ask to get a glass of water and the upstairs was just seemingly deliberately OVERHEATED to the point customers hated it … but not as much as I did. This culminated in me dehydrating over a week at work and then going to a blues jam and dancing my face off and drinking enough water that I had a vasovagal syncopy event on the last god damned bus home on a Sunday. It was THE UNPLEASANT to the n’th degree. I do not advise this thing. Post on what vasovagal syncopy is here.

They knew I was going to be upset but I don’t think they knew HOW upset I would be. I’d never been fired before to that point. I had a panic attack, couldn’t breathe or speak.

To their credit, it was the head manager and the nicest supervisor with me. And both of them talked me through it to get me breathing and sipping a bit of water. They were very concerned. I gather it isn’t exactly  normal, and so they confirmed I live in a safe environment and paid for a taxi to take me home. Which was really really nice of them.

The very next day, welfare called me to ask wtf dude, why u no submit yer stub because you just signed on to the poge and now u dun want?!

To which I replied: Omg I totally need the things I had job. Was supposed to be the best ever but they dun want me and so helllllllppppppppp meeeeeee…

And they will.


Everything’s still coming up Milhouse. Which is surprising and weird. But also the way my life works.