Is this flying? It doesn’t feel like falling. Each day is a new bar and I catch it and roll with however it swings me around and then I grab the next one by doing it all over.

Only the bar really just feels like a rope toy in a terrier’s mouth being violently shaken around and I’m just holding on for dear life hoping that the terrier doesn’t start chewing again.

Learning how to do my job might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I have now worked with ten people not including supervisors. Only three of those people still work there including me; and then another one who started yesterday. In this way I feel pretty vindicated that what I’m doing is VERY difficult. I’ve at this point received a fair amount of training but I’m not getting consistent training and at this point I’ve been pretty much left to figure it out on my own. Which is really the only way it’s going to work. I’m going to figure out what questions to ask, how to ask them and the right time to ask them and then ask them.

It’s very self directed and that seems to be the only way it is going to work.

My managers and supervisors are all very nice people but they can be pretty mean. They’ve all got big and busy tasks to do and training falls pretty low on the list of important things. It’s hard to deal with for all involved and it really is best if the trainee is trying to train themselves.

Many people have pointed out that this is not really ok. And though I agree I don’t really see any way in reality that things are going to work for me without this job. They seem to like me. I’m still making mistakes but I’m really interested in not making mistakes and they know it. This job really is perfect for me and I have the freedom in my life right now to be in a stable living situation and learn how to do my job so that when I’ve got to move out of this safe space I will not be expending so so SO much energy simply learning how to continue on at my job.

It’s a highly professional job. A lot of companies have charge accounts and so getting those right is of vital importance. Really getting everything right is of vital importance. It’s a work and safety company and the people we’re supplying are highly professional people. There’s a high degree of procedure.

But life will be ok. Because I have this time to learn my job and when I move I will be in a better place with my work.

I really just hope they don’t fire me. That would be something that would be hard to recover from.