For the past small number of years I’ve been a few steps ahead of homelessness and hunger. The time has felt longer than it really has been and so at this point it feels like I’ve been struggling my whole experience of polyamory.

When you are at risk, your boundaries cannot necessarily be what you want them to be. Maybe you are finding yourself making unethical actions in order to continue on. Maybe you find yourself not treating the people you are living with as well as you want to. Maybe you find you are accepting situations you would NEVER accept because your living situation is predicated upon it.

It can be really disorienting and alienating to read polyamorous advice, rhetoric and writing that focuses on boundaries and negotiation that you might not feel empowered to be an active decider in for your own life. At least… I have found most writing on poly to be wholly ineffective at helping me understand the unique issues within my life.

It feels sometimes like most polyamorous people don’t deal with the problems I’ve been dealing with but I don’t think that’s true. I think that is a lie my heart tells me. And so I’ve been thinking my way around this issue. At risk while polyamorous? How do we be this thing???

  • What are our needs as polyamorous people? How can we fulfill these?
    • Are our relationships with others suffering because of our precarious life situations? Friendships? Existing intimate relationships? Family relations?
      • Risky personal times can strain our personal relationships.
  • Have we lost connections as a result of our precarious life situation? Should we be filling those gaps with new people? Or embarking on a more personal journey of self discovery?
    • Do we have the mental energy for a relationship at this time? If we are losing our connections with others in our lives as a result of our precarious life situation this is heartbreaking and can hurt so much more than the precarious life situations themselves.
  • Are we asking for giveable support from the people around us? Is the support we need to be around someone and be a part of their life sustainable? Just because someone is happy to put out money or relax a fee so that you can come with them somewhere doesn’t mean they will be perpetually happy to do so…. what if our hard time lasts longer than they are willing to support?
    • High times of need sometimes make us ask for unreasonable levels of support from the people in our lives. Sometimes the things we need cannot be filled by anyone but ourselves.
    • Money is a particularly fraught issue for people. What if you’re in such a vastly different life situation than your friends that you can’t keep up with them? It can be tempting to ask for support to help keep up. But what does that look like? Can you live on the sidelines while the people you are close with are doing what feels like living life while you are just struggling to get by?
    • What if in order to be a part of someone’s life you actually had to be operating at the same economic level that they were in some fashion?
  • How do we ask for support without making other people think we are asking for more than we are?
    • When we are in high need it can be hard to talk about our issues without looking like we are asking for help. Sometimes all the support we need is to be able to talk about our shitty situation to someone who loves us and knows that if we were their sister.. they would find a way to help us. But we aren’t and society doesn’t sanction helping our friends the way we would help our family.
    • It is HARD for the people that love us to watch us struggle.
  • If I’m connecting with someone and I become dependent on their support… then my standard of living is then dependent on the relationship which feels icky to me. Should it?
  • ???
  • *Further abstraction of thoughts*

And that’s it for now. I’ll be spiraling back to this at some point. Perhaps as I get back on my feet. Perhaps as I yet again have rock bottom yanked out from underneath me to find out… but wait! There’s more.

*Disco grooves away*

 

 

 

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