rise
Today I saw this on Facebook and rather than commenting a diatribe of expansion to the thought of what ‘mess of a person’ means… I have decided to blog these thoughts instead.

I don’t have proper words to describe the senseless and both overwhelming but totally impotent rage I feel when I look at this image. I have been running through various shades of rock bottom for YEARS; knowing that this ‘rising’ thing spoken of actually IS inevitable… and yet I only now have the barest idea of how to break down what seems like the most gargantuan and monumental of tasks into something that might be doable… to become a functioning human, capable of providing for myself. That’s the monumental task. Nothing so far or bright as I believe I could have potential for if I were only capable of being a functioning human, providing for myself.

* Preface all these next paragraphs with ‘It feels like…’

*Everyone talks about despair. Everyone talks about anger. Everyone talks about ‘break downs’ and ‘rock bottom’ as if they’re unique events and not MULTI-YEAR events. Perhaps everyone is better adjusted than me.

*No one talks about the sheer rage and anguish of being told again and again that you just need to break that (whatever it be that plague ye) monumental task down into doable parts so that you can begin to get up. But yet even when you break each step down you find you are needing more help than you want to admit OR have access to in order get them done…

*No one talks about the false plateaus when you think “Ok. I hit rock bottom. For me.” BUT OH NO SIREE. YOU DID NOT HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND THERE’S SOME LENGTH TO FALL YET AND YOU GON FEEL IT WHEN YOU GET THERE EVERY FUCKING TIME.

*No one talks about how it feels after you went to considerable lengths to change your situation to realize that you actually made it worse. That thing you hoped and prayed for for that turns out to be something completely unsustainably tolerable. Something you need but can’t take for long. Something that will slowly kill you in another way.

*No one talks about the forever fear of every opportunity turning into another destination along rock bottom … which you’ve been scraping along the bottom like an anchor mired in mud for longer than you had ever thought you could have held your breath for…

*No one talks about the knowing feeling that accompanies the demons that whisper things like “you were actually supposed to have killed yourself as part of a beginning statistic of children committing suicide due to school mismanagement of bullying… because you fucked that up in 1998 a full year before columbine, bullying was responded to because of a mass shooting and not with realistic reform and thus there are more kids than ever killing themselves because of bullying”. Or even more simply put… “You deserve this.” At some point I’m going to have to actually research how many kids killed themselves due to bullying and compile some sort of evidence to refute the demons. That sounds like a promising forthcoming post. The point is the KNOWING. I will never not believe this in my soul that my bullying was well documented enough through pure poor management that if I’d killed myself at school which is what I would have done… I will never not believe with a small part of my soul that I missed out on the chance to make my death meaningful. That I could have been a part of greater change in the world.

  • All I can do is use the bigger part of my brain to sit that part in the corner to think about it’s ways and remember that my life is actually for me. And I can make what meaning I want in it.
  • All I can do is remind myself that thank goodness. I HAVE GOT A BIT OF HELP. I have a safe place from which to begin my bite sized steps to becoming a functioning human that can provide for myself.

And from that vantage point… I will feel I understand what this… “rising” is.

~*~ And so ends the eloquence portion of this entry ~*~

This meme is completely correct. Having thought through all this I feel intensely better.

But that feeling of choking on an intense rage that I KNOW is irrational. … I guess that’s the feeling to push towards.

WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN.

But what this really makes me realize is that I really do seem to believe it is inevitable for myself that I will rise. Perhaps regardless is the word in this meme that triggered the rage. … I’m pretty sure regardless is what triggered the rage.

I THINK THIS WOULD BE A BETTER MEME IF INSTEAD OF “But you will rise regardless” THEY USED “But you WILL rise. It is inevitable.”

I wonder if they used regardless because its a highbrow sounding enough word most people will get it… and inevitable is just a bit too wordy to be accepted by a memeloving mainstream…

But I feel very dismissed by the word ‘regardless’. I feel like all the feelings I bring up in this post are contained within that ‘regardless’ and by god they are NOT regardless. THEY ARE FULL OF FUCKING REGARD ALL UP IN MY FACE.

Inevitable is just a better word… ._. But probably also would have brought up the same feelings because I would still be offended if I hadn’t thought through the thinks.

Brains are weird.

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