As I have come to understand my own understanding of the world, I realize that I formulated all my beliefs about society at the knee of a person who had a complex story about how society had failed him.

It has been hard not to slip into the idea that society has failed me, but really as I come to adulthood, who failed me shifts and generally comes into the idea that society certainly failed in some regard but not in the ways I thought it did and the big failure was my father who consistently and solidly went sideways in every direction all my life.

My best training is in being a terrible person.

I watched my father sell my future for not one, but two failed attempts at inventing, and have lived with the consequences knowingly or unknowingly all my life.

Someday I might be in a position where I have a job that pays for my lifestyle and a lifestyle I like. It really is a low goal that I have at this point.

And I don’t know how I’m going to connect with others from a secure place because I still cannot imagine what a secure lifestyle is.

I can’t cope well.

Advertisements