There are myserious wizards in this world and I don’t know how they do what they do…

For some reason they seem to understand what their own resources are.
Somehow everyone they partner with tends to hold up their end of the responsibilities and they tend to have a good working relationship with lots of people.
They stay at jobs and leave with good recomendations.
They are generally successful.

At this point I don’t know if these people just are this way  and have always been so. I don’t know if they had a good example of success to look up to.

But I feel like I’ve been wandering around in the dark my entire life trying to interact with people knowing EXACTLY how to turn the situation into something monsterous and horrible but not knowing that there’s another way. Not knowing what people expect from the other way and how they properly respond to it when it is working properly. I mostly moved through life trying to do this thing I didn’t know how to do and continually hurt myself on it.

Couldn’t communicate effectively to get my needs met,
Over extended myself routinely,
Seemed more dependable than I was,
A string of jobs. I am a serial quitter,

I don’t know how I’m going to learn this.

Between 18 and 28 I have had access to more differing understandings of the literal fabric of reality than I could dream through access to SO much university education. I have had my own understanding of reality go through several dramatic shifts. Atheism, skepticism, rejection of overzealous skepticism, various opinions on the world and how it got to be the way it is. This has been obscenely hard work and has come at great cost to my wellbeing and makes me wonder if this is all getting me towards be the person I need to be or if I am a consistently diminishing light ever more in danger of going out.
For the most part its like I ran straight into the abstract thought department and set up camp there and I’m still trying to extract the meaning of this fluid understanding of reality.
… When I explain it wrong (or… at all), doctors want to put me on serious meds and I totally understand that. It’s not… good. Yet.

But I believe all ‘this’ is not all for naught. Deconstructing ideas and approaches is easy. Building them back up intentionally is the hard and supposably rewarding part

I don’t know how to get to where I should be from here.

But I have a plan. From my observations about myself, the times I have been most secure in my living situations I have been most happy and secure. The people I know most happy and secure are almost always fairly secure in their living situations. I have been trying to be as productive a person as others who are in secure situations or situations I perceive to be secure for a long time.

Plan one is security. This means a license to drive on my own and a job.

There is a job training information session that is literally ON MY BIRTHDAY. And I have put a lot of my mental well being on the suspicion that because I qualify for this I will be able to get into this program and I will then have some qualifications I have not had prior that make one seem much more appealing and just some general HELP. I need it and I’m hoping this works out. Its paid training.

The job training program starts some two or three weeks after and runs for some months. You get first aid level 1, whimis (Worksafe), serving it right and food safe as well as other stuff.

The job training also starts after I take my road test to drive alone. Hopefully I pass it and then my brother has kindly offered to lend me his car and I can actually get to this job training that will pay for me running the car so I can continue to get there.

Here’s hoping for no setbacks. Its been a long time since I drove because I’ve never been around a car AND a person over 25 with a full license at the same time. But I’m not a bad driver. I well believe I could pass both road tests with a bit of practice but I’m only allowed to take the first one.

I am starting to understand what my life is and have plans for how to get through it and make myself secure. I can be productive and artsy and other things later. But I have good bones for my plans. I’m very pleased with myself.

 

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