Finding yourself in a situation not to your liking can be disorienting. What the solution is; to fixing the things that make the situation so unlikable, can be hard to figure out.
I self describe as a changeophile, meaning I enjoy and seek change. I spent six years with a change-phobic individual and this modulated some of my tendencies, when we broke up- this has become a vaguely serious issue for me as I have spent three years just bouncing around the island and elsewhere.
Changing the situation rarely makes it better if the problems are coming from within. And many of my issues were problems at the time but I feel warped by them.
I feel unable to do the things I need to do because over so many moves, over so many different jobs, through so many moves between different cities… I have lost things. I used to always try to have a desk. This has since gone by the wayside because they are big and heavy and I was moving into spaces I was borrowing space from. I used to have a fully stocked kitchen of supplies. When and if I start again I will have very few things of use. And some very sentimental things. Hopefully my bed, because sleep is important to me. And definitely my book case and some art.
But I used to have so many things.
With a desk comes personal space that is kind of defined for working. You can leave things on a desk. I have had no real personal space where I live and in the places I have lived for many many months. The closest I came was with Phil.
I can’t see the way out of here. I can’t see what I can do to get on with things. Except to get my license and get a job that I can then get to because my brother offered me to use his SUV.
I am a person who barely has the ability to be a functioning adult and I don’t really know how I got here except by the fact that my codependent relationship helped me leg up in the adult sense for a long time until it didn’t and I then continued to spiral down into a dark hole of ‘can’t adult’. No driver’s license, terrible list of jobs of which I always quit and never keep long, total failure at interpersonal relationships.
In a way, I had things a lot better at the ice. Why I felt like I had to leave numbs down and I miss it. But I really didn’t like something about the atmosphere there and it kind of reminds me of a concentrated version of the issue I have with organizations in general: Which is a vague and general feeling that organizations are inherently invested in utilizing people to an end and often not interested in treating things from the bottom up the same way they do from the top down. That they are often organized unsustainably.
I don’t know how to fix these daggers to my feeling of safety because they seem universal.
I changed my situation recently to leave the ice and come back to the situation I had at home for a number of reasons, not the least of which to take care of a medical issue (which I’ll blog about at some point) but to remove myself from a weird place where I didn’t like how I was reacting to the vibe. I can only say with certainty that if I don’t take this situation and wrangle the good out of it I will be more poorly off and have wasted my time in a lot of ways.
The worst part is that I am truly thinking I could go back there. If I get a number of things figured out that are weighing me down including: Body issues that require infernal medical tests, taxes, some kind of debt consolodation, my driver’s license and a few other small things.
I feel like I was running from doing these things when I went there.
But change for change’s sake isn’t always the best.
What are some things that will help me change the environment I have to make it more my own? Cleaning up the basement and getting my own space set up there… And that’s really just very important. But how do I do that.