People are strange. They are hard to connect with for me on a consistent and daily basis. But I gain more ability as I grow. But just about the hardest thing to deal with is trying to connect with people who are dating each other. Especially when they appear to venerate normalcy.
I think I made a faux pas where I complimented someone’s boyfriend about the music and stated I had issues with rap. Immediately the music I like goes away and the rap comes back. Dude’s girlfriend is switching the music. Now she is wandering around camp and will not acknowledge me or my presence in a fairly noticeable way. What the hell. Fuck off kid. I don’t want your stupid boyfriend. Nor do I want to deal with your childish bullshit. Actually. Continue as you wish. But I’m going to say hi to you. And your boyfriend in my typical greeting style because I don’t ever see you on your own. And I’m going to keep saying things. And I’m going to change this interaction and make it mine.
This is reinforcing for some deeply negative things for me:
- One: Never ever ever acknowledge a thing you enjoy. Because once someone knows you enjoy it they have potential to take it away.
- Two: Other people are likely to be threatened by you.
- Three: Certain people don’t like you and won’t ever like you.
I’ve been having a bit of a bent out of shape kind of experience about this because I feel like I have very little control here. I’m trying to remember how I felt when I was dating someone monogamously and feared their interactions with others.
Except I just can’t really imagine it anymore. I’ve already written over the the past few days that I would be bent out of shape if every time someone was rude to me because I was weird I would be bent out of shape all the time.
But I have; at this point, a memory of my relationship where I consistently wanted Peter to get out and find his own friends. Constantly I remember wanting him to STOP keeping all his focus on me and actually live his life. I wanted not to be his whole life. I remember some times that I was threatened. But I can’t remember what that felt like. I was so secure that Peter would never stray. He was the inverse amount sure that I was going to stray. I can’t identify with that level of insecurity anymore.
People are weird. I’m weirder though; and that counts for something.