Today I saw something that made me think.
My mother left my father when I was twenty seven. Two years after I had left my own long term partner. About four months after I had moved in with them thinking that I could save for a change of schooling and two months after going on welfare in desperation to get away from the situation brewing there.
I have the distinct knowledge of why this is. Indeed, my father shared quite a lot of it with me because he figured I could make things better somehow (read: explain things to my crazy mom so that she would understand and shut up). I am a person who has spent my entire life eyeing my wonderful, magical, profoundly hurt and yet still amazing and above all else my STRONG mother… wondering what influences helped make her the way she is. I’m somewhat aware now. I have spent my entire life listening to stories of my father’s hard childhood from. his. mouth… only to face a blithe denial of any trauma to deal with affecting his behaviour over the years and that he has no issues and we’re the ones with problems when I asked him to get some counseling. Yet the traumatic stories he regaled my childhood with?
How many people don’t know the traumas that have affected their parents?
How many of us carry the effects of being raised by wounded people… Knowing that any abusiveness is THE effect of poorly managed pain… Invisible scars that our mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles never disclosed with us because they feared it would make them less if acknowledged. And yet we watch the adults in our lives protecting hidden wounds and we form ourselves similarly thinking that simply is the way that people are.
Like the emotional version of cutting the ends of your roast because that’s what mom did… Only mom did that because the pan was too small. (Snopes)
Like how when I was learning to walk, my mom had a hysterical moment thinking I was mocking her until she realized I thought that everyone just walked with a limp. Because she did.
I feel like everyone talking about how weak people are these days don’t truly know how strong people are. More people own their shit than ever before. More people are DEALING with their problems rather than blindly reacting and causing more harm in the world. Maybe this is my personal cultural bubble but I believe we are getting better.